Dear Facebook,

I finally understand it now:  The “News Feed” is the OLD “Highlights,” which used to live in the right sidebar. In the OLD “Highlights” section, you benevolently placed the updates and posts that received the most “Likes” or were widely read or linked to by Facebook friends. I get it! You have NOW placed those “Highlights” in the “News Feed” section, and you are so kindly determining which posts YOU think I might find interesting based on how many people read, “liked” or “commented” on those posts, or, which posts I commented on. Thank you!! (you could have told us!)

If I combine my new-found knowledge (almost impossible to find, no thanks to you) with my powers of deduction, my crystal ball, my astrologer and the Wiccan practitioner who lives down the street, I think I’ve unraveled The Mystery of Facebook’s Myriad Magical and Constant Changes to Their Interface, and have come to the conclusion that you are just trying to be helpful. Again. Thanks.

Please stop, dear. Just stop it. You’re confusing my Friends and they are getting cranky.

PLEASE send out some form of CLEAR, CONCISE information that will explain the DIFFERENCE BETWEEN:

the “News Feed”

the “Live News Feed”

and

the “Wall”

In the absence of your obviously understaffed Customer Relations department, Girl Friday will do her best now for her cranky, annoyed Friends:

  1. The “Wall” on your PROFILE page: Post here, my dear Friends, when you want to Update your Status or post a Link, Video, Music and so on. When you Update Your Profile, your FRIENDS will see it )in their “News Feed” or “Live News Feed,” depending (see below!)  and, depending on your Settings, it may also come up on a Google search, etc. If what you post is particular interesting, and lots of Friends “like” it, “Comment” on it, etc., Facebook’s Magical Mystery Algorithm will deem that Update more worthy than others, and will stream it to the “News Feed” of your Friends who have shown through THEIR postings, usage, comments, etc. that what YOU’VE posted is interesting to them.  YOU NO LONGER NEED TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ENJOY…FACEBOOK KNOWS FOR YOU!!! Woo hoo!!?
  2. So, the “News Feed” is basically filtered Updates and posts that show up on your Home page, based on your past usage. Girl Friday thinks she has discovered this font of knowledge regarding Facebook’s changes, has researched it, and to the best of her knowledge, may even be slightly correct about this. However, Girl Friday would like to state right here, right now, that the information provided on this website should not be construed as personal medical advice or instruction and readers should consult appropriate health professionals on any matter relating to their health and well being. Going nuts over Facebook does not constitute an actual medical condition, but rather presents itself as evidence that you may require other activities with which to occupy your time. Readers who fail to consult appropriate health authorities assume the risk of any injuries.
  3. The “Live News Feed” is pure, unadulterated STUFF, STUFF and MORE STUFF from pretty much every one of your “Friends.” You know those Friends who tell you that they’ve: “Just had coffee, think I’ll visit the john” in their Updates? I’m talkin’ about them. They’re in your “Live News Feed.” That “Live News Feed” collects all the fascinating bits of trivia and drivel, along with the brilliant and witty art-music-poetry-life-affirmations that occasionally burst like little stars in the Facebook firmament. You could spend your whole day reading the “Live News Feed.” I suspect some of you do. But just in case you miss something while you are out actually living your life (as Girl Friday does manage to do, too, once in a while), Facebook stores up all those tidbits for you. So that when you log in again…they are waiting for you. You cannot escape them. Effluvia awaits, to drown your brain in Information Overload. Proceed with caution.
  4. So: what to do? To remove the “News Feed” and begin the Road to Thought Recovery, go to your Home Page. In the left sidebar, click on “Status Updates.” You’re done. The News Feeds, both of them…the chum and the good stuff, will cease to exist for you. All you need to read will be the Status Updates of your Friends. That’s the stuff you’re interested in…right?
  5. The Moral of This Story:  In a way, I think this is a Good Thing…the fact that Facebook has just really messed up your online mojo. Why? Because Girl Friday thinks there is enough irrelevant nonsense on the internet, and in Facebook and Twitter and on and on. If you’re going to write something….make it Entertaining, Communicative, Collaborative, Educational. Give something meaningful to the world. Facebook wants to filter out the boring, irrelevant stuff, and their attempts to do so are just annoying. Why not just provide some quality here, so that the geniuses at Facebook don’t have to spend their time trying to read our minds. Let’s make our Minds BETTER!!!  Better as in:  Write something edifying, post a beautiful photo or incredible video, or uplifting song, or quote from JesusBuddahMohammedOprah…whatever you are passionate about. If you do that consistently, Facebook may have to lay off some of their workers, which will be unfortunate, but they may then go out and start serving Curry Without Worry and making the world a better place in a new and different way and they will all get away from their computers which is what Girl Friday is going to do right now.PS: you can learn this stuff if you really want to. Girl Friday teaches workshops, barn dances, and cow-tipping…no, not really. She teaches a workshop on Online Marketing. Send her an email and ask about it:  info@e-girlfriday.com